I believe that everything happens for a reason even the smallest of interactions or conversations will years later come to my mind and make perfect sense in the scheme of my life. This has always been my way of seeing through the darkness knowing that every experience is a spiritual experience a chance to more fully become the person that I am.
Although I am certainly not out of the infertility woods, the only way out would be to have a baby or to gracefully and fully accept that I am not going to have children and neither of those things are in my sights right now. But I thought I would reflect on what I have learned in these last 3 years?
1. Control Is An Illusion
What’s that old saying tell God your plans so he can have a laugh. When I look at all the best things in my life, my husband, my job, my degree, my house all of these things came into my life quite unplanned and of their own accord. Obviously I had to play my part but there was no pushing and pulling, of extreme wanting and chasing. I flowed, they flowed and things just happened without too much direction from me.
Those things that I did clearly plan out however, an illustrious career in the arts, having a baby and trying to secure the perfect job and body have been disaster from beginning to end. They have been projects that I have pushed, pulled, cajoled and screamed at with no avail.
There is no controlling your life, there is just living it as it is.
2. Pregnancy Is Random
After a library of reading on the perfect fine tuning of the body to achieve pregnancy, my poor husband and I gave up coffee, alcohol and sugar and lived like monks (not that we were very far of anyway). But then I would see women everywhere who were obese or skinny, who were temples of health or drug addicts; pregnant and blissfully unaware of just how lucky they were. Every day I would watch the obviously alcoholic mother of three walking her children down my street to the school in total anger and dismay. Without fail she would have a beer in one hand and cigarette in the other as she pushed her littlest one in a pram yelling at the top of lungs at the her other two. But then I started looking at it differently, I started to understand that fertility is a lottery and nothing I do or don’t do will really influence those numbers, best just to have a glass of wine on Friday’s and relax.
3. Creativity Is The Key
Getting pregnant is a creative act, the ultimate creative act. As an artist being frustrated in that creativity has made me feel incredibly stuck in other areas of my life. For years I focused myself entirely on becoming unstuck by getting pregnant and the more I tried the more stuck I became. Although everyone casually told me that I should relax and just focus on other things, everything else just seemed to pale in comparison.
But slowly I have started to get breaks from the quest, I have started journaling, and making art, running and focusing myself on the smallest of creative acts like keeping this blog to get that creative flow back into my life. Will it result in pregnancy? God only knows but it is resulting in some sanity and for that I am so grateful.