The concept of thoughts having a very tangible and real effect in our lives is one that I have been familiar with for a long time. It spurned the whole positive thinking and affirmations movement. It’s a scary concept because I suffer from constant guilt about whether my thoughts have created my infertility. Up until a week ago I would predict that I was thinking about my infertility up to a 100 times or more a day. Among those thoughts there was not even one that expressed that I might one day become pregnant.
Tolle says that the body can not distinguish between a thought and reality. So if my constant thought has been ‘I can’t have a baby’ have I created that reality for my body? And how do you change this thought and remain certain after months and years of no results? From what I gather from the other women around me who have become pregnant after a long period of infertility is that the answer is not so much changing those negative thoughts to positive ones, but really not thinking about having a baby at all and focusing on other areas of your life.
Easier said than done. Frankly I was very conflicted about starting this blog at a time when I am trying to refocus my attention to other aspects of my life, was it really a good idea to be writing about infertility. But then I realised that all I really need to do was take the ‘I’ out of the concept. Sure I write to make myself feel better but mainly I write so that I can use this experience for something good, because I could really have used a blog like this in my darkest moments offering some small morsel of hope. I am planning on studying Art Therapy next year with the specific goal of working with women with infertility. So yes infertility is always going to be a part of my life, personal and possibly professional as well but it can be a fertile and creative experience.
I have always believed that everything happens for a reason and that whatever is happening in our lives are specifically tailored to us to teach us the cosmic lessons our soul needs to learn and to guide us onto our true path. I have a lot of healing and work to do on myself before I can dream of helping others, but at least I have taken my lemons and made lemonade and although sometimes it can be tart on the palette is sweet also.