I have to admit that I was never one of these people that always wanted to get married and have children. I was a women who wanted to travel the world and a have fabulous career and quite comfortably saw myself never getting married and having kids. These desires just seemed to grow out of nowhere amazing to think how little you can know about the true depths of your own heart. Throughout this process of trying to get pregnant a question that has always come up for me – Why do I want to have a baby?
So I thought I would sit down and answer the question;
Motherhood is such an expansive space like looking out at the horizon. I am at a time in my life when I want so much to be a mother, to feel the curl of a little head into my neck and feel the breath of someone that is half me and half the person I love most in the world. Because this horizon has been a moving target for three years I find myself thinking about motherhood a lot, mostly looking from the outside it looks hard, unthankful, undignified and tiring. I know it to be so much more, I see that in the glow that new parents have among their shell shock. But mostly I ask myself why, why do I want to have a baby, why is this such an important thing to me? I guess what I am really asking myself is what does motherhood mean to me. It means a chance to lift out of myself to perform the ultimate creative act and pour love, compassion and energy into the journey of another human being. It means feeling the joy of discovering the unending charm of the world, of the elements and even of cardboard boxes. It means the chance to grow to push myself beyond the limits I now know and touch that horizon. These are the rational reasons, but I know there are primal ones the unstoppable urge to reproduce, the delay of my mortality by having someone that has my cells go forward in time, even when I have stopped marking it. All I know is that when I turned twenty-nine I felt like I had a have a baby now, and I would run over someone in a car to get one. Realising that motherhood is the greatest joy and the most profound heartache I hope it happens soon. I feel like a high diver who is waiting at the very tip of the board for her turn to plunge into what will be warm, hot, cold and freezing water all at the same time. Lets hope my nerves hold.