During the 3 years of my infertility journey the internet has been a constant companion to fuel both my hope and despair. In the first year of trying to conceive I am sure I Googled just about every symptom and combination of symptoms. And inevitably even if the symptom was tooth ache it could somehow be connected to pregnancy – so just about everything gave me hope and took it away. After a while I noticed that the Googling just made me feel neurotic and upset and I had to put myself on a complete internet diet on anything concerning pregnancy.
Until recently I stopped looking at anything that had to do with fertility or infertility I just wanted it out of my search engine and my mind. However after my recent discovery of Resolve I realise that the it was not the internet that was the problem but rather what I was searching for. I wish instead of symptoms and advice for the two-week wait I had instead looked for objective information and support. One of the reasons that I started this blog was because I wanted to connect with people on a deeper level than just the day-to-day symptoms of the two-week wait or what kind of fertility treatments they were going through. I wanted to get connect with people about the very real issues that affect their heart, souls, minds and relationships day-to-day – the stuff of the Open Secret.
Infertility is so tough on so many levels but probably the thing I find hardest is talking about it with people who are not experiencing it – there is just a void of understanding that they can’t cross. Also talking to people who are not experiencing it I found was more painful like you were admitting a weakness to someone who doesn’t share the same weakness. I know infertility is not a weakness in any way, it is something that is so out of your control and no one who loves you would judge you for it.
But I think if they knew the true heartache and heartbreak the amount of tears and nasty thoughts and words that fly around my head mainly about myself they would be really worried about me. Also their well-meaning questions and advice sometimes feel like taking a knife through the heart. However on the Resolve discussions I have been joining I feel such a connection and relief talking to other women who know exactly moment by moment what I am going through.
I haven’t told any of my family or friends about this blog, my husband knows and is fully supportive but I feel like showing them this side of myself would make me so vulnerable. Yet what irony as this information is freely available to the world wide web, it’s a fine line between public and private. I want to make it public because I don’t want the heartache and heartbreak I am going through to be for nothing I want to use it to help myself or hopefully someone else. I also want to keep it private for as long as I can so I can be fully open because it’s the honesty that makes for real connection.