I am a certified control freak – a prime example is that I can not sleep on a long car trip because of my unfailing belief that my watching the road along with the driver will ensure our safety. This is a prime metaphor of how I have been trying to live my life ever vigilant, awake and believing stupidly that I have any control at all.
As I have posted before if infertility has taught me anything it’s that I can’t control anything least of all life. But the uncertainty of the journey day-to-day has got to be one of the killers. It leaves you in a constant state of flux and eternally waiting. I have never been a particularly patient person and even after 3 years I can honestly say that my patience hasn’t improved. The two-week wait! I didn’t even know this term before we starting trying to have a baby and now its a heinous symbol of that restless impatience those high times of hope and those low times of hopelessness.
So how do you accept uncertainty? They say when you are caught in a rip the best thing to do is to float, breathe and conserve your energy. Let it take you out – it may seem like you are getting further away from the shore you so desperately crave but eventually it will release you from its grip and you can swim back around it. The same instructions could be well applied to dealing with uncertainty. Stay calm for this moment too shall pass. Breathe focus on the here and now and the not calamities and disasters your mind is filling the uncertainty with. Allow yourself to be carried far from familiar territory and then slowly make your way back.
We can really only be completely certain of the present moment, right now and here nothing needs to be resolved we are in it – it is resolved. We just need to live it. When I feel the two-week wait fever overtake me I try to focus on exactly what I am doing whether it be work or doing the dishes. My thoughts circle like vultures ready for the eating but then I relish the feel of the plate in my hands and the sound of the rain hitting the roof and I remember that I am right here and here is completely resolved.
The future has always been such a bright star on my horizon, if I wasn’t happy with the present I comforted myself that I could change this so the future would be better. With infertility there is absolutely no guarantee that the future will be better I may never attain my goal no matter how hard I work or how much try. That darkness is scary but it has made realise that I need to shine a light on the now and as Eckhard Tolle says ‘be friendly with the present moment’.