I would say that God and I have had a casual relationship for most of my life. Although I had absolute certainty that he/she/it existed we only occasionally talked and it was generally when I was in a bind. As I got older I explored spirituality and divinity with more seriousness and our meetings became a bit more frequent. Infertility however has altered the nature of our talks almost irrevocably – mainly I scream and God listens. So here are my top 10 rants and Gods simple and quipy responses;
1. It’s not fair, why me – why is this happening to me?
God: What you like 5 years old! But its a good question – why is this happening to you? Could you learn something from it? Could you even grow as a result of it?
2. Why do you give children to crappy homes where they are abused and neglected and not to good people like my husband and I and other infertile couples?
God: Everybody has their own journey. You – yours and those children their own. I know this is not what you want to hear but you might try focusing on everything that is in your life rather than what’s missing.
3. Why aren’t you answering my prayers? I feel like your not even there – when I am in so much pain.
God: Your body, your life and even your pain is evidence that I am always there. May I remind you that prayers do not have a time line. Besides I am giving you exactly what you need right now.
4. Why is everyone around me getting pregnant are your trying to make me miserable?
God: Firstly life is a miracle and my creating it is not about making you miserable. Again what are you like 5 years old. Life is abundant and always changing and growing. Even though you feel stuck – open your eyes or you might miss it.
5. Why am I so angry – where is the grace of God when I need it?
God: Your angry because something you want isn’t happening and you keep trying to force it to happen through sheer pissed-off-ness. Maybe you should try on another A letter word acceptance – go on see if it fits.
6. If this is your plan for me – are you some kind of sadist?
God: I don’t really have too many plans I am mostly a fly by the seat of my pants kind of god. I have lessons – look back at the worst time of your life – before this – did it eventually come good did you learn something that has made you who are! That was me.
7. If you’re a compassionate God then why do all these terrible things happen in the world?
God: A lot of it is lessons people need to learn, but remember that little gem called free will humans come to the party and create a lot of their own misery.
8. Did I create this situation – am I being punished for something?
God: I am not a genie but I am not a punisher either. Nothing you did in the past really matters or what you will do in the future all that matters in what you do right now. You can choose to cut this cake any way you want.
9. Can you at least tell me that everything is going to be ok?
God: Absolutely. Will it turn out exactly the way you want it to? Maybe and maybe not. But no matter what it will be the perfect thing for you.
10. How do I know that all this stuff your saying is not just some Pollyanna crap I am telling myself to feel better?
God: You don’t – but do you feel better?
Note: These are just my ramblings with God – which I use as a generic term meaning any divine entity. I don’t mean to offend anyone with my levity and please don’t think that it has not been a screaming match of struggle between God and I because it has. My faith has been ripped, rocked, burned, bruised and completely knocked out. But its healing as am I.