A few weeks ago I saw a quote on CrazySexyLife which rocked my world;
“God, Goddess, Koan, mantra, anger, fear, hope, faith … I become that on which I’m concentrating.”
I have written about it before but it’s been hovering in my mind ever since, if we are what we focus on – and I have been focusing largely on infertility – could I be unconsciously creating the very thing I am trying to overcome? Although I believe the tone of this blog is largely positive and about building a strong mental attitude to stay open, positive and sane during infertility. It is focused on infertility none the less. I felt incredibly challenged – writing this blog and taking the spiritual road I am walking has given me more hope and relief than I have felt in 3 years – giving it up just didn’t seem like the answer.
This afternoon the answer came, my husband is reading The Brain that Changes Itself at the moment and stopped to read me this quote;
“Pain and body image are closely related. We always experience pain as projected into the body…..Distorted body images are common and demonstrate that there is a difference between the body image and the body itself.”
I read a few pages to pick up the context and walked away understanding that most of us have a phantom body – one that we have created in our minds through images, words and ‘our stories’. The scientist who developed the theory goes on to talk about his experiments with re-wiring people’s associations with the body – one particularly powerful example was when he reprogrammed his subjects hand with a table top. By stroking the subjects hand which was under the table and the table top at the same time. After a while the subject experienced the actions performed on the table top as sensations on their hands – at first pleasurable stroking and then as a major fear and panic when the table top was hit with a hammer.
What I took from this was that we can be programmed into beliefs about our bodies through images, language and association. To that end I have been telling my story from the perspective of suffering from infertility – I use that word in almost every post I write and I would say that not a day goes by when I don’t say it or think it. Like someone with anorexia can falsely condition themselves to believe they are fat just by telling themselves that they are – wouldn’t that mean that I am convincing myself of infertility by giving myself that identity.
So I am changing the game, I can’t strictly call myself fertile as this status can only be achieved once you actually conceive and have a baby. But from now on I am calling myself and believing myself to be pre-fertile – the fertility status before fertility. The pre suggests a kind of inevitability and opens up the possibilities.
This is the definition of pre and I think it works beautifully
a prefix occurring originally in loanwords from Latin, where it meant “before” (preclude; prevent); applied freely as a prefix, with the meanings “prior to,” “in advance of,” “early,” “beforehand,” “before,” “in front of,” and with other figurative meanings (preschool; prewar; prepay: preoral; prefrontal). and now prefertile