I find it incredible that in all the reading and research that I have done how little discussion open or otherwise there is about sex and pre-fertility. Although sex and babies go hand in hand, once you reach the pre-fertile stage of your journey – most discussions with professionals centres around temperatures, ovulation and the optimal pregnancy and hormone diet. But the fact is that you can eat like a goddess, meditate and do yoga until you levitate, and take your temperature like you are applying for a science degree but if your not having sex and lots of it no baby looms in your future. Although – the Virgin Mary and I do have regular chats about just how lucky she is – in so many respects ie. mother of god but also the whole immaculate conception thing.
Writing this post and having the strength to publish it is taking everything I have. Truthfully, despite having been brought up with a Catholic school education I am not at all prudish about sex. But the reoccurring thought of – ‘what if my dad reads this’ – keeps popping into my head. Don’t get me wrong, Wicked Wednesdays is not going to start competing for traffic from the Debbie Does Dallas porn sites it is just a little yakking about the stress and strain that timed sex can have not only on your sexuality but on your relationship.
The fact is I am so sick of the trite and I have to say completely ambiguous advice that all and sundry seem to dispensing. The next time someone tells me to just spice it up – I am going to buy them a bottle of Chinese 5 spice and ask for directions. I mean, come on….could a piece of advice be more in-specific and outright confusing. As always I am amazed at the gifts that this journey of pre-fertility has given me and one of them is shaping and directing my sex life so it is more satisfying, nourishing and meaningful. Obviously I want a baby but not at the cost of losing my sexuality.
So with that – today I want to talk about timed sex. About 2 years into our pre-fertility journey a friend directed me to Taking Charge Of Your Fertility the book was like a ray of hope – someone was telling me that I could take charge and was going to show me how. I turned over my credit card and eagerly waited for the delivery. After reading this lengthy tome I started taking my temperatures with sacred devotion and was pinpointing exactly when I was ovulating. With this neatly pinned down I then began orchestrating our whole lives to have sex on our fertile days…..and this was a raging failure. As the days come up I became more and more tense and surprisingly that didn’t inspire the sex god in my poor husband. The bedroom soon became a battle ground and timed sex felt like appointments with the dentist.
At the time I thought the problem was the pressure of trying to have a baby and yes it was. But as I have grown older and wiser I have come to realise that specific charted days for sex with the sole purpose of having a baby was just a recipe for disaster. The spice as say was definitely not added. Fast forward to 3 years, many tears, some tantrums and a lot of trauma and we are timing sex in an entirely new way.
Our new rule is that we have sex 3 times a week on set days – with no expectations. If I happen to ovulate then great, if I don’t then I know the little swimmers will last 3 days and there should be some in the hole. Are we having mind blowing sex, hell yes just not every time and we don’t expect to. The truth is we don’t expect anything! We are trying to make sex a healthy, beautiful but structured time in our lives. I guess it wasn’t so much the timing that was causing the problem but more the expectations. We have changed the game – we meet three times a week for practise – there are no prizes or punishments just two people getting together for a little action.
Got any suggestions? Have you applied the spice it up advice with any success leave a comment or if you too are worried about your dad reading it send me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org.