This weeks practise games have been tough – my face has broken out and my allergies have been on high alert. So looking like a creature from the deep-sea and feeling about as sexy as two-day old toast – I had to muster everything I had to make it to the field and not lose heart. Making it to the field was probably the hardest thing, every time I looked in the mirror or sniffled my confidence took a dive and any sexiness I felt went with it.
So how do you work yourself up into a lather when you feel like you would rather be hiding under the covers? In the eternal words of Belle de Jour “men like big hair and big boobs” after adequately curling and teasing my hair to a good height and strapping on a push up bra that could scaffold men on a building site, I did indeed start to feel the part – and to quote another genius that I don’t know I had to ‘fake it till I made it‘. In all honesty the quality of the sex was no different it was all my apprehensions and fears going into it that caused the issue – sex it seems is 90% in the head.
One of my personal battles and one many women also have an issue with – is that we lack an internal compass of desire, we instead base our desires on wanting to be wanted. And to be wanted we work on looking the part of the sexy vixen solely focused on managing our partners desire while our own sexual sails are left without wind. I have been reading about this in Polly Young-Eisendrath excellent book Women and Desire she says “Feeling sexy, attracting attention, and wanting to be wanted become the goals, even though sex may initially feel like an exciting by-product of the attention. We tune in to what effect we are having in sex rather than to what we want in terms of our own needs and pleasures”.
Managing our own big hair and big boobs (while simultaneously trying to appear wafer thin), managing our partners sexual desires and responses and off course managing the ever-present would be baby hovering over our activities – means that we have very little room and time for stoking our own desires and fires – if in fact we have taken the time to find out what they are.
If our sexiness is externally derived then we run the risk of losing it as we age, get into a bad funk or temporarily look like a deep-sea creature. However, sexuality and feeling sexual pleasure is our birth right, no matter how we look. So how do we put the wind back into our own sails based on our own feelings of desire? Awareness is the key and educating yourself sexually by yourself and for yourself – yes I am approaching that rather salacious M word or as Martha Cognog has so beautifully termed it the Menage A Moi. To this end I have found an excellent website by two amazing, feminist, open and strong women – Betty Dodson and Carlin Ross. Their weekly YouTube video’s have been an inspiration to my own sexual revolution. It is in these that I have learned Betty Dodson’s (legendary sex educator) philosophy that the Menage A Moi is the foundation of all human sexuality. Basically being able to float your own boat gives you a handy guide so you partner won’t have to fumble around hoping to hit the right spot and it builds your internal compass of desire.
For women battling with pre-fertility an added dimension comes into the mix – an end game that seems markedly disconnected from sexuality or pleasure – making a baby. However, I don’t think god made reproduction pleasurable without reason and British scientists Baker and Bellis agree. Their study found that when a women orgasms a minute before or even 45 minutes after her partner she retains much more sperm than if when she doesn’t. That’s not to say we should be trying to manage orgasm along with everything else – it’s just to point out that seeking and deriving the full pleasure of sex may actually lead to a baby in the long run – as was its intention.
Note: Dodson and Ross are not for the faint hearted – these ladies tell it like it is.