Hi my name is Tanya and I am an early pregnancy test addict, its been 24 hours since my last test, after more than a year of peeing entirely in the bowl, yesterday I succumbed to the lure of a little blue stick. Every time I do these tests it’s with high expectations and I inevitably come crashing down afterwards. Yesterday I broke my resolve and pinned my hopes on seeing a second pink line. The result – a BFN – I didn’t go into a hole exactly but I felt like I was dragging around a 50 tonne weight all day. Sadly it was a practise day and I felt like having sex about as much as I felt like being beaten over the head with a club. Nothing kills your sex drive like a BFN (big fat negative) and mine was dead, buried and decomposing.
So today with the practise re-scheduled I find myself wondering, how the hell do I get my mojo back? Sex in our society as a whole has become very goal focused its all about how many times and how many orgasms – throw in the very big goal of making a baby and sex is added to our personal accomplishment and failure lists. In the face of success or failure – the pleasure gets lost and as with Pavlov’s dogs we are ingrained to respond to pleasure and repel from pain. I know I have to get back on the horse because if I don’t, then the practise of sex gets wrapped up in the pain of not being able to conceive and we are back to tears and tantrums in the bedroom.
The only answer that I can see is to throw of the failure and embrace the pleasure to quote a modern Shakespeare perhaps it time to draw on my ‘tiger’s blood’ and start ‘winning’ (if you have been in a cave and don’t know what I am talking about click here). So today I am going to devote myself entirely to the pleasure principle – I am going to make a list of things, activities and treats that truly bring me pleasure and I am going to devote my day to doing them. No guilt, no outcome just pure pleasure.